15, and I'm leaving on a jet plane.....

Well we are off to our Long Holiday in Europe.

I finally have decided its time to drop off some excess emotional baggage in its rightful place.

I have waited a long time and spent way to many years chasing this dragon.

UPDATE: Things are NOT going as planned I have caught some bug and feel so sick .

There is nothing worse than feeling so sick when you are on vacation and stuck in a hotel room.

I hope all my friends in the states are having a better time than i am.

Happy Holidays........

14 Months LID,,,,,,,

Well 14 Months Down and 36 More to Go.......

I am Not A Happy Camper Today in fact I'm down right annoyed.

Don't get me wrong this is not about "Think Positive" this is about the Cold Hard Truth staring Me in the Face.

It's about Doing the Math = They are still in 2005 and only referring a week a month.

A 30.000 Backlog and a quota that has dropped down to 7000 a year.

I have to believe for the sake of whats left of my sanity that attrition will play a small factor in all this.

I know that for some people that they feel like they are being led to China by a higher calling , Or they believe that all things in God's good timing.

I respect your Beliefs and admire your devotion truly I do.

But this is not mine.

I know that surely I am not the only person out here who is just down right hurt and angry.

You know when I started this I too was all Paper pregnant red thread and lady buggy too.

But I was also led to believe that I would have been a Mom by now.

Instead as I write this I sound angry jaded and bitter.

I feel like I'm being held emotionally Hostage.

This is my one and only and last chance to be a mom.

There is No where else to go I'm just here waiting.................................

I just can't play the PC PAP Game anymore.

The wait sucks and I refuse to pretend otherwise.

And to my Dear Sweet Friend Thank You for Always letting Me be Me ........

And know the Door Always swings both Ways......

Dee (Mila's Mom)

Wow 13 Months & I feel like Crap......

I'm still alive!!!!

I don't have time to breathe let alone blog.

Thank You Secret Pal for the Box.

And for your friendship.....

RIP Mr. F...... You were a very nice man and a wonderful Father.

A......./ I am always here for you -te quiero mucho mi hermano.

I am desperately racing against time trying to finish off the 2ND floor off this house before winter kicks in but it has gotten to cold too fast,already.

I refiled all my paperwork and i am waiting to hear back from USCIS.

Still don't know if we are going away for the holidays or not?

OK I suck at writing in here.

I wish I could say that I am a-okay but that would be a lie.

This waiting and unknown is slowly unraveling me but i am trying like hell to stay busy so i don't think about it every day.

In the past 2 months my life has been filled with Sickness/Sadness/Surgery/Death.

I love you Rob with all that I am and all that I will Be.

Thank you for being my Rock Papi.

OK enough rambling.....................

Dee

1 Year ..........

Today Marks 1 year I have been logged in China.

And I still havent a clue as too how much longer we have to wait.

This really sucks I refuse to pretend otherwise...............

Dee

11 Months Lid Today.......

Well and it's 11 Months Down and more than I even care to think about to go.

It has been a really trying month and sometimes I have honestly just wanted it to ..................

I have really learned alot about the people around me.

I have also learned that sometimes a New Friend has the Power to Help you heal and can genuinely touch your heart.

Those are the things that I will take with me on this journey.

I do know that what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger but some times you just have to leave the toxic people behind.

Well I'm off to the Hampton's for a few days and just in time.

I will be DTC 1 Year on 9/11 and it is a sad day for us.
And so it goes....................

xoxo Dee

10 Months LID.......

10 MONTHS DOWN ,

ONLY 20 MORE MONTHS TO GO..........TBC

I WOULD BE SAD BUT INSTEAD MY DAHLINK WONDERFUL BESTEST HUBBY IN ALL OF NEW YORK CITY IS TAKING ME AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS.
AND HE BOUGHT ME A NEW DRESS TO WEAR.

OOH LA LA HIS TASTE ROCKS.

BEST WISHES TO ALL MY FELLOW LID'ers

XOXO Dee

Ain't that the Truth.....

The ultimate source of peace in the family, the country, and the world is altruism.-

His Holiness the Dalai Lama

House Guests From Hell.....

Can someone I mean anyone Please tell these In laws to go Home.

I Love these People for Real I Do.

But they are just so exhausting and the things they say to me make me want to pull my hair out of my head.

The constant questions and b*tching and whining I mean I'm glad this is a vacation for them but it sure ain't for me and the hubby.

No matter what room i choose to escape in they find me .

I know that this wait plays such a major factor in my Life.

But I swear on all things sacred when they go to the Beach tomorrow I'm putting there belongings curbside and changing the locks.

There I said It "GO HOME"

Okay so I'm a little more twitchy than usual deal with it.

xoxo Dee (Annoyed in NY)

TICK TICK TICK.......

Today we are 9 Months LID and I stll have nothing to say.

I am NUMB and Angry beyond Words.......

But Not at You Babies ,Mommy will be alright I promise.

XOXO Dee

Life Behind the 8 Ball.

We are 8 Months LID Today and Hubby and Myself have decided ?

That seems to be the big question this whole adoption thing has us so exhausted.
I have decided to stop putting my Life on hold anymore.

All the things we have put off doing and places we have not been going to are back on.

I feel like I have been emotionally held Hostage for the last 5 years.
I do remember a time when disillusioned and jaded weren't part of my daily repertoire.

I am reclaiming my life back!

And the Saga continues......................................................

xoxo Dee

Me Had all Me Can Stands and Me Can't Stands No More.

Who knew Popeye was so Damn poetic.

I have really begun to have about all I can stand at this point.
I have met some really nice people since i started this adoption.

And I have met some real wack jobs who just get on my last freaking nerve.

The Over Bearing /Bible Beating/"P.C. Police."/etc......

I think my personal Favorite Adoption Insult of the Year is: Live your life for Now and Deal with what's Real and in Front of You.

"Your Babies arent even Here yet there like a pair of Boots on Layaway.
Once you get them Home then you can Deal with Them."

Now don't get me wrong I have a lot of Respect for Other Peoples Faith.
In fact I admire people's Devotion and Strength to Believe in such difficult times.

But PLEASE RESPECT OUR DIFFERENCES!!!!

I Do Not wannna Save an Orphan or BE Like Angelina Jolie or even think that there's going to be a "Special Place in Heaven just for Me because I'm a Selfless Role Model."

I am a Silly,Fun Loving,Spiritual,Strong Woman.
Who has lost Children and Can't have any More.
But wants a Family of her Own Plain and Not So Simple.

I just can't stand all the Drama anymore.
It's all Doom And Gloom ......

PULEEEZE Enough.

THE WAIT SUCKS AND WE ARE ALL HURTING EQUALLY .

There I said it No More Tip Toeing around on Eggshells.
Okay I am going outside to plant flowers in my garden.

So if you have a problem that needs to be fixed call someone else I'm not saving the world today.
Besides my capes in the Laundry

XOXO Dee

7 Months LID...................

Today Hubby decided it was time for me to dye the roots and took me to the hair salon.
I thought what a great way to forget for a moment how incredibly crazy things have been lately.

We had the most beautiful day we picked up lunch and had a picnic outside it was so hot yesterday it felt like 85.

When we got home i saw Mila's brown envelope sticking out of the mail box .
I had all but givin up on getting one and here it is go figure.

I was so happy i cried but then again lately depending on what day it is all you have to do is look at me and i cry.

Which me and Hubby find kind of odd because i am such a tough brooklyn girl i hardly ever cry.

I guess its the whole Mother's Day thing that has me an emotional mess.

I always think of Nico and remember how he would jump on my bed and yell wake up Mama you missin your mamma day Bfast me and Papi made.

Mother's Day has come to remind me of 3 Special Children.

Nico my First Son (Who I wasn't allowed to keep )
Peanut my First Daughter( I lost after a late term miscarraige)
And My Precious Mila Blue (Who is in China waiting to come home )

Rob has promised to distract me the way he always has.
Damn , I Love that Man.

So to all you Wonderful Mother's please have a very Special Day............

xoxo D

Travel Training Video...

In Todays mail I received the training dvd.
I know that this means we are 1 step closer.
now only 1000 more steps to go.

My emotions have been coming in waves lately.
Somedays I just can't bring myself into Mila's room and other days I just can't seem to stay out.

It funny with all the crazyness going on this feels like the only happy room in the house.
I just wish I knew something,anything,

Rob has been working around the clock and I think I have finally narrowed down my choice for the kitchen walls.

Now if It would only stop raining I might actually be able to start painting.

I am so agitated lately my emotions are all over the place.
Well almost 7 months down ....TBC...................

xoxo D

Secret Pal Reveal...and 6 Month LID...

Well the 1st Round of secret pal is over and it was alot of fun.
I had the pleasure of spoiling Robin.
And I was beyond spoiled by Andrea Y .

I haven't really had 5 minutes of down time since we moved into this house.
I Have seriously neglected this blog.
But I just can't seem to find enough time.

Referal's came in and everytime they do I can't wait to see all the little cuties.
And then no matter how hard I try to fight it .
the frustration and sadness takes over and i allow myself atleast 2 days a month to stand in Mila's room and cry.

It is so hard this never ending and continually growing wait.
Everytime It looks like we mark another milestone the timelines grow longer.
Maybe because my birthday just past or all
the crazyness of this year so far .

I just find it so hard to even talk to people anymore.....

The New House............

Finally, after month's of living in limbo we can actually move into the new house.

Rob has been breaking his back working on the wood floors, while i have been packing ,painting,tiling,moving etc.....

Which is hard enough but when it's like Antarctica outside it becomes almost unbearable.

We have been putting in about 16 hour days around the clock.

But as of March 1st the house is all ours.......................

Lets just say we have been keeping the Bagel store and Big Lots in buisness .
And were on a 1st name basis with the guys at Home Depot.

But just knowing that the M&M's will have there own room keeps us going.
You see for us city people having your own backyard is a real big thing.

Well the bathroom tiles aren't going to hang themselves (I wish).

So its off to work I go.....
xoxo Dee

One Day I might actually be able to figure out how to work this thing...

I barely can find the time to sleep these days let alone Blog....